Why Talking About Your Relationship with Money is So Unpopular (and Why We're Doing it Anyway)

I knew I wanted to approach money differently when I started my business. I wasn't here to shout about budgeting hacks or tell people to skip their lattes. I wanted to talk about something more profound—our relationship with money—because, in my work as a financial coach, that thread runs through everything.

So, I jumped onto Threads (Instagram's version of Twitter) and started sharing. I wrote posts about the emotional side of money, the stories we carry, and how so many of our financial patterns have nothing to do with math and everything to do with life. My goal was simple: to create a space where people could see themselves in the money conversation — not just in numbers, but in feelings, habits, and identity.

At first, not much happened. My audience was tiny — I started with six followers — but even as more people trickled in, the only folks who seemed to really connect with what I was writing were other financial professionals. Not a bad thing, but not exactly the people who needed it most. I wanted to reach the folks still feeling stuck, confused, ashamed, or afraid to look at their finances… but those posts never quite took off.

Why is it Hard to Talk About Money?

That got me thinking: Why is it so hard to talk about our relationship with money?

We live in a world where we'll share everything from our breakups, therapy journeys, and political opinions on the internet. We'll talk openly about burnout, boundaries, and trauma — even with strangers. But money? That stays hidden. It's still one of the last things we're supposed to keep to ourselves.

And the second you try to open up about money in a real way, it stops being about dollars and cents. It becomes about fear, shame, self-worth, safety, power — heavy stuff. It becomes about the things we’ve been through, the messages we’ve absorbed, and the pressure we carry. That’s not exactly social media small talk.

The Silence Surrounding Money

Most of us were never taught how to talk about money—not emotionally, not honestly. In fact, a lot of us were taught not to talk about it at all. So we stay silent. We try to "fix" our finances with tools, apps, and tips that never get to the root of what's really going on. And when nothing changes, we blame ourselves.

But if we want something to shift — really shift — we’ve got to go deeper. We have to name the hard stuff, the human stuff, the stuff we’ve been told not to say out loud. That’s where the real work begins. And that’s what we’re doing here.

The 12 Topics We NEED to Talk About When It Comes to Money

So, let’s go there. Let’s name 12 things we should talk more about when it comes to money. These are things we usually keep quiet but are carrying all the same. These are the conversations that can move us forward.

1.      We should talk about the guilt we carry.

A weight comes with having more than you once did — more than your parents, siblings, and partner — and not knowing what to do with it. Even when you've worked hard for it, that guilt can creep in. It can show up as discomfort with earning more or feeling out of place in your own life. For some, the guilt runs even deeper. You grew up with very little, and even now, after achieving some stability, there's a lingering fear that it could all disappear. You might feel guilty for not knowing how to manage what you have or wanting more when you've been told you should be content. This kind of guilt doesn't just sit quietly — it shapes the way you spend, save, and talk to yourself about money.

Talking about this kind of guilt helps you understand where it’s coming from so that you can release the shame and start making financial decisions from self-trust instead of self-doubt.

2.     We should talk about the fear of looking like we don’t have it together.

There's a lot of pressure — especially for women — to present as financially competent, independent, and in control. The idea of having your financial life "together" is often tied up with your sense of identity and worth. But behind the curated image, many are quietly struggling. Living paycheck to paycheck. Avoiding credit card statements. Feeling a knot in their stomach every time they open the banking app. Fear thrives in silence. And when we don't permit ourselves to be honest about where we're at, we feel even more alone.

Talking about this fear helps us realize we’re not alone and can separate our self-worth from our financial status. It normalizes vulnerability to help us redefine what having it “together” really means.  

3.     We should talk about financial trauma.

Financial trauma isn't just a buzzword — it's something real, and many people carry it without realizing it. Financial trauma is what happens when you've lived through scarcity, instability, or repeated financial stress. Your nervous system adapts to survive it by learning to be hyper-aware, avoiding anything uncertain, and staying on guard. That might look like extreme budgeting, constant anxiety, or shutting down entirely when faced with financial decisions. These aren't personal failures — they're protective responses. And healing from them takes more than good advice. It takes compassion, patience, and nervous system safety.

Talking about financial trauma helps us name our experiences, understand our responses, and begin to heal the deeper wounds that shape how we relate to money.

4.    We should talk about emotional spending — and emotional saving.

Money often becomes a coping tool without us even realizing it. Whether it's stress-scrolling your way into online shopping, grabbing takeout on autopilot, or treating yourself because the day was too much. These habits aren't about poor choices, they're about seeking relief. But emotional patterns don't always lead to overspending. Some people react in the opposite way — clinging to money, never allowing themselves small joys or moments of ease, afraid it'll all slip away if they do. Both patterns are valid. And both can be traced back to emotional roots that deserve attention, not judgment. We can feel liberated and understood by discussing these patterns, knowing we're not alone in this journey.

Talking about these patterns can help us reconnect with what we are really feeling. It can help us shift from reaction to responding and build a more compassionate and balanced relationship with money.

5.     We should talk about the pressure to perform wealth.

Social media has made financial comparison almost impossible to avoid. We're flooded with curated images of luxury, success, and abundance as if wealth is a lifestyle aesthetic. Even when we know it's not the whole picture, there's a subtle pull to keep up, look the part, and spend like we've "made it," even if we're stretching ourselves thin behind the scenes.

But it’s not just influencers and strangers we compare ourselves to. Sometimes the comparison cuts even deeper when it’s the people close to us like friends, siblings, partners. We see their new homes, vacations, promotions, or the way they talk about money (or avoid it), and it can stir up feelings of failure, envy, shame, or pressure to match their pace. That kind of emotional strain or pressure isn’t harmless because it chips away at our self-worth, our savings, and our sense of authenticity.

Talking about this pressure helps us stop performing and start living in alignment with our own values rather than someone else's highlight reel.

6.     We should talk about money in our friendships, our families, our relationships.

These are the spaces where money impacts us the most — and where we talk about it the least. What happens when your income changes and your friend’s doesn't? What about when your partner sees money differently than you do? Or when you're trying to break your family's financial silence, and no one wants to go there with you? Money can stir up resentment, discomfort, and even shame. But it can also be a path to deeper understanding — if we allow ourselves to talk about it honestly, without fear or judgment.

Talking about money in our relationships helps us set healthier boundaries, deepen trust, and create relationships that support rather than sabotage our financial wellbeing.

7.     We should talk about what it really means to feel safe with money.

Safety isn't just a number in the bank; it's knowing that you can trust yourself, that your needs are met, and that you can weather the storm without falling apart. Real safety with money doesn't come from how much you earn or save—it comes from how anchored you feel in your decisions, your habits, and your relationship with yourself. It's the difference between always chasing more and finally feeling at home in your financial life.

Talking about what it really means to feel safe with money helps us move beyond survival mode, redefine security on our own terms, and build a sense of stability that’s rooted in self-trust instead of just dollars.

8.     We should talk about how our mental health impacts our money.

When you're anxious, depressed, burned out, or navigating something like ADHD, executive dysfunction can take over. Suddenly, managing money feels impossible. It's not just about forgetting to pay a bill or sticking to a budget. It's about the mental load that comes with decision fatigue, shame spirals, or the overwhelming pressure to "get it together." When we separate money from mental health, we end up treating symptoms instead of root causes.

Talking about how our mental health impacts our money helps us replace self-blame with self-awareness, and opens the door to strategies that support how our brains and bodies work.

9.     We should talk about cultural expectations around money.

For many, money isn't just personal — it's cultural. It's tied to family dynamics, immigrant experiences, intergenerational responsibilities, and unspoken obligations. Maybe you're the first in your family to "make it" financially and carry the weight of other people's needs. Or perhaps you grew up being told not to talk about money at all. Now every financial decision feels like stepping into the unknown. These cultural contexts matter, shaping how we relate to money in powerful, often invisible ways.

Talking about cultural expectations around money helps us honour where we come from, unlearn what no longer serves us, and redefine success in a way that aligns with our values and lived experiences.

10.  We should talk about the shame of financial privilege.

Yes, privilege. Some women feel uncomfortable or even ashamed that they've had financial support—from family, a partner, an inheritance—and don't know how to talk about it without guilt. There's a narrative out there that says you're only worthy if you "built it yourself," and it can create isolation for those who didn't struggle in the same ways but still have their own complex relationship with money.

Talking about the shame of financial privilege helps us hold space for nuance, release the guilt that keeps us silent, and use our resources with intention, rather than apology.

11.    We should talk about money and identity.

Being a woman. Being racialized. Being queer. Being disabled. Being neurodivergent. Money doesn't exist in a vacuum — it interacts with every part of who we are. And yet, so many financial conversations are written as if we all have the same starting line, experience, and access. We don't. Pretending otherwise erases the fundamental ways identity and systemic barriers shape our financial lives.

Talking about money and identity helps us recognize the unique intersections of our experiences, advocate for ourselves within systems that don’t always serve us, and create financial paths that honour our whole selves.

And speaking of systemic barriers…

12.   We should talk about systemic barriers to money.

Because it's not all personal, and it's not always about mindset. We don't all have the same access, opportunities, or safety nets. Racism, sexism, ableism, classism, and other intersecting systems shape who gets hired, who gets paid fairly, who gets approved, who gets supported, and who gets left out. That shows up in everything from wage gaps to credit scores to housing access. And if we don't name it, we blame ourselves for things that were never in our complete control. Personal finance doesn't exist in a vacuum — and pretending it does only adds to the harm. We need to recognize both the individual and the structural.

Talking about systemic barriers to money helps us shift from self-blame to collective awareness, understand the broader forces at play, and empower ourselves to navigate and challenge the systems that limit our financial freedom.

Moving Toward Open Conversations About Our Relationship with Money

Talking about your relationship with money can feel messy and uncomfortable — but it's also where real change begins. When we start naming the stuff we usually keep quiet about, it takes the power out of the shame. We stop feeling like we're the only ones, and we start to see that most of us are carrying something when it comes to money. Guilt. Fear. Old beliefs. Pressure. Silence. It's all there. But it doesn't have to stay that way. Healing your relationship with money involves getting honest with yourself, learning what you need, and building something that feels good and sustainable.

So if you’re here, reading this, and feeling even a little bit seen or if this stirred something up for you, that's the start. Please take it as an invitation. Reflect. Talk to someone you trust. Approach this with curiosity instead of judgment. If you're ready to keep exploring this more profoundly and intentionally, I'm here. These topics are part of the kind of money work we do at Soltera Money. This is the work that really matters and you don't have to do it alone.

Let’s talk: book a free Soltera Assessment call here.

Reflect and Connect: Let’s Give You Something to Talk about

• What stops you from talking about money openly with others – even people you trust?

• When have you wanted to talk about money but held back? What were you afraid might happen?

• What kind of money conversation do you wish you could have – and with whom?